Parikshit Sakurikar’s Blog

Helpless.

October 9, 2008 at 6:32 pm (Uncategorized)

I am alone. I look around. There’s nobody I can see. There’s nothing I hear, nothing I feel. Only a silence. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m trying too hard to figure out where I am, where I was before this, but nothing comes to my mind. I know who I am, there’s no doubt about that…I’m   …. wait…who am I? Where am I? What in God’s name is happening here? Maybe i should move. I step forward. I’m in a house now. A familiar house. Yes it is familiar… those stairs, I went up them sometime ago…that closet.. those curtains…that chair…that De Gas on the wall. I’ve definitely been here before… wait..Is this my house? I need to find out…but I dont even know who I am. I’m confused. I’m gonna be sick. I run to the washroom. Its surprising how i know exactly where it is.

Everything in this house is so well kept. Everything is conveniently placed. I would be so happy here. There are all the amenities one would ask for. I’m wandering around the house. There’s a phone in every room. An intercom station. Everything is automated, the switches, the doors, the appliances and what not. Its like the epitome of good designing and maintenance. The ambiance is very calming. But I’m not even close to being calm…. again the thought comes to me…who am I? where am I? And then an idea. I should look out the window…how come i didn’t all this while? even when i came across plenty? I run to the closest window. Its just at the end of the corridor I’m in. I look outside. My insides cripple with fear. I see nothing but the desert… far and wide..nothing…but the desert. I run to the other side of the house. I look out the window…again…only the desert.. I find the nearest door and I jump out. I run as far as i can….I turn around and see I’m still there… close to the house…I run around the house…its surrounded by the desert.. I scream like I’ve never screamed before.

I think I’m gonna pass out. I wanna continue screaming but i can’t anymore or my throat will give way. There’s a door just behind me. I re-enter the house. It feels good to be inside, away from the heat. I’m hungry. I look for a fridge. The fridge in the kitchen is huge. There’s everything in there……Its just that the food isn’t getting me any satisfaction whatsoever. Again, I stare around, aimlessly. There’s a remote beside me. I don’t see a T.V though. I press the ‘On’ button.. a part of the wall opposite to me in the kitchen moves and out comes a slim T.V set, and the sports channel pops up. I would kill for a thing like that on another day, but it just doesn’t seem to appeal to me today. I sit down on the ground….I’m staring blankly into the television.. I have become so hopeless….

I’ve been here for a long time…the clock says its 2:00…how long have I been here….I dunno… I can’t let this happen to me…. I must fight back…I must overcome whoever or whatever this is…even if it be God. I pick somethin out of the fridge…I move into the next room. Again, I’m amazed by the beauty in this house. It feels like I’ve designed it myself…but I know I’m not even half as capable to do such good a job. I see a remote again on the center table. I look around…no T.V here as well…I jam on the power button just to check…and yes there comes out another T.V from another wall…I see a phone right underneath it…I should call someone….why didn’t i think of that! Damn it! I run towards the phone…I pick it up and I want to start dialling but i don’t know what to dial..I read the digital screen…It says ‘Network : Excellent’. I’m annoyed now….wait…my cellphone…I dig into my pockets…out comes a pack of cigarettes I’ve always wanted to smoke…a lighter I’ve always wanted to own…and iPod which I’m pretty sure is not even in the market yet…and finally…my phone…I didn’t have this phone did I? I don’t care…i should just call somebody…i look for someone to call…there are no numbers…again i read on the phone…’Network : Excellent’. I can’t give up…I must not give up…I will survive this.

I’ve been moving around the house for quite sometime now… I’ve crossed a like a million rooms and yet I’m quite sure I haven’t come across the same room twice. There’s a passageway leading downstairs in this room. I’m filled with some kinda excitement…is this the way out? Its dimly lit. And I smell petrol. Its dark in this hall. The hall is big…i can sense that…I need some lights…”lights” i say, and the lights come on…I came across the speech activation technique a couple of rooms ago. Just as i have been plenty of times in the last few hours, days or months I dunno…I’m surprised yet again.. All the cars and bikes I’ve ever dreamt of possessing are standing there…shining like they’ve just been polished.  Maybe this is the way out…maybe I just have to pick one of them and leave..and maybe I can keep that one. Now I have to choose…I don’t really care…I love all of them.. I get into the Volkswagon. It feels so good to be in the driver’s seat. I just know this is the way out. “Open the gates”, I shout and up come the rolling gates. The keys are in the ignition. I start the car..I drive out..I’m driving now…I’m out of the house…but should I be? I’m in the desert and I have no idea where to go…suddenly I know this is not right and I wanna turn back and drive to the house..but what the hell…I’m still there…I’m pretty sure I was drivin for quite some time…but I’m still there…just beside the house…Again…I give up and re-enter.

I come back up to the room I came down from. It looks different. This one is good too…but different. Like all the other rooms, it has everything I could ever ask for. I’m tired now. I mustn’t give up…I will not give up…..but i have no option, I have to give up…No i must not…but what else can i do…there’s a conflict in my mind…amidst the already prevalent confusion…and I’m not liking this…I’m feeling weak…I sit down and dig into my pockets one more time. That packet of smokes…I don’t feel like having one…What on earth is happening to me? Tears are flowing down my cheeks…I put my face into my hands…I dunno what to do..where to go…whom to talk to…I dunno who I am….”I’m sorry”, i shout…”whoever you are.. I’m sorry”…I have everything i need here but I’m longing….very badly….yes…longing…for the one thing I’ve never cherished and never given respect to……human company. And i would kill to get that today….i would kill for it…I just want my life back….I’m broken, and I’m gonna die here…”please” i say….”forgive me”…….

I woke up. I realised i was shivering. It wasn’t all too cold that night. It was summer for God’s sake. Had it all been a dream? I was delighted to be here. I was feeling relaxed and shaken at the same time. I turned to my side. She was there. I could hear her breathing. I woke her up. She looked at me. I said “I love you, and i don’t want you to leave me…ever!”. She got up and gave me a hug. Her hair smelt soothing. She looked at me with a smile and she said, “I’ll always be there”.